


Pranks a Lot

by ladyspock7



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pranks, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2018-11-03 06:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10961922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyspock7/pseuds/ladyspock7
Summary: Megamind and Music Man become embroiled in an escalating prank war. Fills a writing prompt from the tumblr blog archive-of-evil.





	1. Chapter 1

  
“Bwahahahahaha!”

Roxanne sighed. “Yeah, Megs, I think we got it. You were amused.”

Megamind sagged against her shoulder. “I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard! Have a seat, my dear,” he said, gesturing at the only other chair.

“No, you take it. I’d like to stand for a bit.”

Music Man put his guitar back in its case and snapped it shut. “Wasn’t that funny,” he muttered, flinging himself into his reinforced dressing room chair. Grabbing a beer bottle from the cooler he leveled a scowl at his former nemesis. “If you’re going to make that big a distraction, I’d rather you left.”

“What? And miss all the other blunders? Not on your life.” Megamind chuckled. As Music Man continued to frown, he snorted. “And now you’re pouting. Pfft! You’re such a baby. A musician who can’t handle a few mishaps has no business being on stage. Besides, I’m sure only you could have heard my repressed laughter.”

“I heard you,” Bernard said, coming in. He levelled a glare at Metro City’s Defender. “All without super hearing. And I was sitting up front. Every time a song ended, there you were, snickering in the back.” He walked over to Music Man, putting a hand on his forearm. “You did great, honey. Despite the heckler.” He leaned over and kissed him on the lips.

“Thanks, babe,” Music Man said, but his smile faded as he turned a scowl on Megamind again.

Bernard ruffled his hair and went to the fridge. “Want a soda or a beer, Roxanne?”

“Thanks, already got one,” she said, picking up her drink from the table.

“You could have offered her a seat, you know,” Bernard said to Megamind, crossing his arms.

“I did, Mister Judgmental,” said Megamind.

“I’ve been sitting a lot and I need to stretch my legs,” said Roxanne. “I can share a seat with him if I need to.” She gave Megamind a stern look. “I don’t think he deserves it, though.” She moved to lean against the wall. He snatched at her in an attempt to pull her into his lap, but she neatly sidestepped and got safely past.

Megamind settled back into the chair with a sigh and turned his attention back to Bernard. “You trying to make me look bad?” He raised an eyebrow at the sarcastic curator. “I wouldn’t talk. A supportive partner wouldn’t have delayed rushing back to his lover’s dressing room to offer his congrats.”

“I ran into some friends from work. Have to make small talk. I assume you’ve heard of it? It’s called manners?” He raised an eyebrow in return.  
The two men locked gazes. It was shaping up to be an eyebrow battle.

“I’m surprised you actually have friends. Music Mahn needs to be able to handle the odd heckler, though my occasional moments of mirth could hardly be classified as heckling.”

“Occasional? You laughed through the whole set.”

“I did not,” Megamind said. “I’m sure I quit somewhere around ‘Rollin’ on a Jetstream.’ I don’t see why I’m getting all the dirty looks. Minion laughed too."

Everyone in the room looked at Minion, causing a green blush to darken his cheeks. “Yes...but...I stopped. Right away,” he said, darting a nervous look at Roxanne’s stern face.

Megamind scoffed and gave him a sly look. “It all started with Music Mahn striding confidently onto the stage...”

“Megamind,” Roxanne said through her teeth.

“...a glittering vision in white. His mighty voice booms out over the audience, and he doesn’t even need a microphone, folks! The power of those lungs! The audience leans forward, rapt with attention...”

A corner of Minion's mouth began to curl up, but he quickly sucked in his toothy lower lip. His fins trembled.

“They start the welcoming applause,” Megamind said, eyes gleaming with mischief. “Music Mahn gives them his patented perfect smile. ‘Good evening, ladies and gents! Welcome to...aaagk!’” Megamind’s hand flew to his throat, eyes bulging and tongue hanging out. “His cape...” he gasped.

Minion made a sound somewhere between a snort and a giggle, and clapped both robotic hands over his containment unit.

Megamind doubled over. “Gets caught against the backdrop. Pulls half of it down! Boom! Crash! First time in a cape, Music Mahn? Hahahahaha!”

Roxanne whacked at him but he anticipated the blow and got his hands up in time to ward her off.

Minion squeezed his eyes shut, stifled snorts making bubbles in the water.

“You know what, I think we’re just going to get going,” Roxanne said brightly to Music Man and Bernard. She went over to him and leaned over to give him a hug. “I’ll give you a call later, Wayne, okay?”

Megamind got up, still chuckling. “Nice performance, Music Mahn. I expect tickets to the next show.”

Bernard sighed as the door closed behind them. He stood behind the chair and rubbed Wayne’s shoulders. “I think your show was great, honey. Don’t let that bastard get to you.”

“Hmph.”

Bernard pursed his lips. “This isn’t going to be like the time he beat you in the hot dog eating contest, is it? Because seriously, that wasn’t pretty.”

“There’s no way he could’ve eaten that many,” Music Man muttered. “He must have been sneaking them to the brainbots under the table. The way they zip around, and he...”

“Wayne, you’re not going to let him get to you, are you?” Bernard spoke sharply, cutting him off.

“Hm? Oh.” Wayne tilted his head back to glance at him, then put one of his hands over Bernard’s. “Nah, ‘course not.” He stared at the closed door and took a thoughtful swig from the bottle.

\- - - - - - - -

Megamind whistled as they walked out to the parking lot. A brief giggle escaped Minion.

“Honestly, you were terrible!” Roxanne snapped.

Minion hunched his shoulders and cleared his throat. “Sorry, Ma’am. Won’t happen again.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Minion,” Roxanne said gently, putting a hand on his hairy forearm. “I know who started it.” Roxanne stopped and turned to glare at Megamind.

“Oh, Mister Big Shot can handle it,” he said, waving a hand dismissively. “He’s going to need a thicker skin if he’s going to make it in the music business. What’s the big deal? I’ve razzed him before. It’s what we do.”

“This is different, Megs. This is one of his first big shows.”

Megamind snorted. “There were one hundred and nineteen people, Roxanne. Including the wait staff,” he said, waving a hand back at the bar.

“Sweetie, you have no idea how important this is to him. You need to be more supportive.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s your friend,” she said, jabbing a finger at his chest.

“Now I’ve heard everything. Since when is Music Mahn my friend? Because he helped us defeat Tighten? Oh, that’s right,” he said, snapping his fingers and wrinkling his forehead as if he’d just remembered. “He didn’t.”

“He helped you by giving you his vote of confidence when no one else did.”

“Well, I paid him back by building him an invisible truck.”

“I seem to remember you charging him an arm and a leg for that,” she said dryly.

“It’s not like he can’t afford it.”

“And he risked public ridicule by stepping forward and admitting he faked his death.”

“Wow, a whole week’s worth of public condemnation! And they practically fell over themselves to be first in line to forgive him. So impressive. How did he ever survive?” Megamind rolled his eyes.

“And he convinced the city to accept you as the new Defender of Metro City.”

Megamind crossed his arms over his chest and they continued on to the invisible car. “If it weren’t for me, he and his beloved Bernard never would have met.”

“Yeah, good thing you tricked me and dated me under a false identity,” she said with a fierce smile. “And speaking of that, who was it that convinced Bernard to drop his lawsuit against you? Wayne even put his family’s lawyers to work for you, getting all charges against you dropped, and, just by coming forward, got those murder charges dismissed.” With each point she poked him in the chest.

Megamind opened his mouth, then closed it again. With a sigh he seized her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. “Is this one of those arguments that I’m going to lose?”

She gave him a sideways smile. “Depends on how you define losing.” She pulled her hand free so she could wrap it around his waist, and he did the same. Their steps slowed as , shoulder to shoulder, they leaned towards each other for a kiss.

“Almost made it to the car,” Minion muttered.

Roxanne pulled her head back slightly. “So when are you going to apologize to him?”

Megamind looked around. “Sorry, Minion. Hope we didn’t embarrass you.”

Roxanne shook his arm while he chuckled. “You know who I mean.”

He winced. “Can’t I do something easier? More heroic? Like catch a falling meteor before it obliterates the city?”

“Megamind.” She rotated so they were face to face and draped her arms around his neck. No spiky mantle or high collar tonight. He wore a button down white shirt and a black vest.

He slid his hands low over her waist, just at the start of where her hips began to curve. Cocking one leg slightly, she lightly pressed her belly against his and looked deep into his eyes. “He may not act like it, but he really wants your support. He needs to know he did the right thing, pursuing a new career. Your opinion means a lot.”

_Even if he didn't retire from his last career the right way_ , she thought in the privacy of her head. But right now this was about Megamind's actions. She'd seen plenty of bickering between the two former nemeses, and had no real problem with it. They were on pretty good terms most of the time, and the constant banter between them seemed to be the usual, even comfortable, routine, but Wayne's musical ambition was a real source of anxiety for him, and it was one subject she hoped Megamind wouldn't needle him about.

He ran her hands up and down her back, and sighed hugely, feeling the warmth of her body through the thin dress. “All right, all right. It’s not fair, you using your feminine wiles on me. I’ll give him a sincere, heartfelt apology tomorrow.”

“Why not now? He’s right in there.” She nodded back at the bar. It was a fairly large establishment, and had a small auditorium attached with seating for four hundred people.

“Not _tonight_. I can’t be sincere right _now.”_

Against her will, she felt her mouth tug itself into a smile. “And you’ll be able to dredge up the required amount of sincerity after a good night of sleep?”

He smiled. “After a good night of something, anyway.” They tilted their heads together again. Minion honked the horn.

“Could you wait until we get home? Before you get started?” Minion called, sitting behind the wheel.

Roxanne laughed. “That fish,” Megamind muttered as they walked to the car with their arms wrapped around each other, “is getting too big for his bowl.”

\- - - - - - - - -

The next morning found them gathered in the kitchen in the Lair. They’d tried calling it the Good Lair for a while, then Formerly Evil Lair, then just settled on the Lair.

Roxanne spat out her coffee. Megamind looked up from where he was dumping sugar onto his cornflakes. “What’s wrong?”

“This coffee,” she said in a strangled voice. She got up to get a glass of water. She looked up just as Megamind put his spoon in his mouth. “Megs, wait, I think...”

“Aaaagh!” He choked, gagged, and spat out the cornflakes back into the bowl. “What in the...salt! Minion!”

Minion looked around. “Yeah?”

“You put salt in the sugar bowl!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Oh, sorry, I guess I imagined getting a mouthful of sea shells!”

Minion hurried over to the cupboard. “That’s not possible. How...” Bewildered, he began shoving items aside.

“It was an accident, Megamind,” Roxanne said, rinsing out her cup. She went over to the coffee pot for a refill. “Don’t make a big deal out of it.” It was a little surprising, but she supposed Minion had gotten distracted while he was restocking the kitchen. Minion had a lot to keep track of in the Lair, in her opinion, even with the brainbots’ help. She wouldn’t have even mentioned it to Minion herself, but of course now Megamind would turn the whole situation into a lecture.

She looked at the clock. “I have to get going.” Minion still stood in bewilderment in front of the cupboard, blocking her. “Um, Minion, could you...?” she said, peering around him and gesturing at the cupboard.

“Oh! Of course, Miss Ritchi. Sorry.” Minion grabbed the bag of sugar and held it out to her. She quickly scooped some into the coffee in her travel cup, then went over to Megamind to plant a good-bye kiss on him.

“Remember that phone call,” she said.

“I suppose,” he muttered. She smiled and hurried to her car, two of her guardian brainbots, Pinky and Blinky, following.

Minion looked at the twenty-pound bag of sugar and the much smaller salt container. “I don’t see how I could have mixed them up.”

“You just weren’t paying attention,” Megamind grumbled, pouring the ruined cereal into the garbage disposal.

Minion took the used coffee grounds over to the trash, but before he dropped them in, he looked down and stopped short. “Sir?”

“What did you find?” he asked, walking over to take a look.

“There’s sugar in here. A lot.”

Megamind frowned. Sure enough, sugar coated the discarded kitchen debris, glittering in the light. They glanced at each other.

“Someone dumped out the sugar bowl,” Megamind said in an ominous voice.

“Yeah. Someone.” Minion growled.

“Are you thinking of the same someone that I’m thinking of, Minion?”

“I think so, Sir.”

“A certain super-powered mediocre musician, perhaps?”

“Or it might have been one of the brainbots.”

“Possible. But to refill the bowl? Makes it even more unlikely. Only one way to find out. Replay the security footage from last night, Minion.”

What was really insulting was that Wayne actually turned to one of the cameras and smirked before disappearing in a flash of super speed.

“He did _not_ just do that,” Megamind said in a quiet, ee-vil voice.

“He did, Sir.” Minion waved his fins indignantly.

“I think, Minion,” he said, steepling his fingers in front of his chest. “That what we have here is a declaration of war.”


	2. Chapter 2

Music Man heard the phone ringing as he flew down the corridor to his underground hideout. He rushed in, dropped the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, and swooped over to it. He chuckled when he saw Megamind’s number on the display. Now we’ll see what he has to say.

“Yello,” he boomed.

“I believe it’s ‘hello,’” said Megamind. “Yello is reserved for morons who think they’re being harmlessly endearing.”

Music Man’s face split into a smug grin. “Well, hey little buddy. How’s your day going?” The blue guy loved his sugar, that was for sure. Bet he got a ton of salt on his Frosted Flakes.

“Uh, look, this isn’t easy for me to say.” Megamind said, and sighed.

Music Man’s grin faded. Megamind’s voice was strained. He sounded kind of sheepish, or nervous. I was expecting him to be all indignant, not... well, not whatever this is.

Megamind cleared his throat. “It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that. To show your creative side. I guess I’m so used to razzing you, I just...” He trailed off. Wayne could hear Megamind’s footsteps echoing in the Lair as he paced.

Megamind spoke briskly. “Look, I’m sorry I laughed at your little cape mishap. The scenery falling, it had nothing to do with the performance. You did great. Really.”

Wayne rubbed a hand over his face and grimaced. “Wow. Gee, thanks, Megamind. I appreciate that.”

Roxanne must have put him up to this, he thought. He was sure of it, and yet, Wayne couldn’t get too worked up about it. It was a pretty rare occasion for Megamind to admit wrongdoing, even under Roxanne’s coaxing.

Wayne picked at some lint on the couch. “So, um, which song did you like best?”

“Don’t push it,” Megamind snapped, and hung up.

Wayne clicked off the phone and trudged into the kitchen to put the goceries away. Man, he did not expect that at all.

He was sure Megamind would have figured out who switched the sugar with salt. He didn’t check the cameras? Megamind must have really thought it was an honest mix-up. Weird. Usually he was a lot more suspicious.

He went into the bathroom to shower. He and Bernard were due at his folks’ place for supper in a couple of hours. He scratched his beard. No matter how much Dad groused about his appearance, he was not shaving.

\- - - - - - - - -

Bernard was locking the door of the museum when his cell rang.

It was Wayne. “Bernard, you have to help me!”

Bernard chuckled. “What is it, a hair emergency?”

“Yeah!” Wayne cried. “You gotta get over here right away.”

Bernard frowned. His boyfriend was vain, but he usually didn’t get that worked up over his hair. “Ooo-kay, I have to go home and change, but I’ll be right over when...”

“No! Please, Bernie, I need you now!”

When he got there he discovered Wayne still in his robe, his hair sticking out in all directions, some of it matted flat, some of it jabbing out in spikes, as if he were the victim of a crazed hair stylist, and it was as stiff as if cement had been poured over it.

“Megamind spiked my shampoo with something!”

Bernard gingerly tapped at one of the spikes. “So you went to shower and...”

“And when I towelled off, my hair got all hard!” Wayne cried. “I can’t go to dinner looking like this!”

“How about we reschedule. Goodness knows I love having dinner with your judgmental father, but maybe under the circumstances...”

Wayne shook his head. “That’s exactly what Megamind wants! To mess up my evening. I am not cancelling.”

Bernard sighed. “Jesus, he’s so juvenile. Ruining your show, and now this. I am going to give him a piece of my mind.” He took out his phone, but Wayne put his hand out. “Uh, wait a sec.”

Bernard lowered it. Wayne had a funny look on his face. “What’s the matter?”

Wayne rubbed the back of his neck. “Um. He might be getting me back.”

Bernard narrowed his eyes. “For what?”

Wayne told him. Bernard pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh, honey. You said you weren’t going to let him get to you.”

“It was just one little joke. You know, payback.”

Bernard sighed and shook his head. “At least it’s over. You got him, he got you back, case closed. Right?”

Music Man stuck out his jaw. “No, it is NOT over. I’m not going to let him get the last word. That sneak even called to apologize for hassling me at the show, just to put me off guard! This isn’t over yet. He’s got two points to my one.”

Bernard flung his hands out. “Points? What points?”

Wayne ticked them off on his fingers. “The first was him laughing at my music show. One to him. I countered with the salt prank. That’s one for me. Then this.” He waved an indignant hand at the spikes adorning his head. “Another point for him. He’s ahead. I’m keeping track, and you better believe he is too!”

“For Christ’s sake, Wayne, that’s crazy! Doesn’t his apology count as a point to you? Doesn’t that make it even?”

“Ha! That was all a part of his plan. I told you, it was to put me off guard. Besides, I’ll bet Roxanne made him do it.”

Bernard dragged his hands down his face, then walked over to Wayne and put his hands on his arms, giving them a gentle squeeze. “I really think you should let this go. You don’t want to get into a game of one-upmanship with him.”

“Why not?”

“Well, he’s... oh, you know.”

“Aw, Bernie,” Wayne said, eyebrows crinkling in anguish at this betrayal. “I’m smart too, you know.”

“Wayne, of course you’re smart. But this is Megamind. The guy who invented invisibility. The super genius who repeatedly escaped from the most high security cell in the entire world, who hid from you and everyone else for years, who is a master at coming up with convoluted evil plans. Do you really want to get into a prank war with him?”

Music Man set his jaw. “He’s not so clever. I fooled him before when I faked my death. He bought it hook, line, and sinker. And I found his Lair.”

“Everybody knows where the Lair is.”

“Oh, sure, now everyone knows, but I mean back when he was still a villain.” He gave Bernard a triumphant look.

Bernard was taken aback. “When?”

“About a year and a half before the Death Ray.” Wayne lifted his chin. “Aren’t you gonna ask me how?”

“And you didn’t shut him down?”

Wayne clucked his tongue, disappointed that Bernard didn’t seem interested in the ‘how.’ “Because I’d been thinking. I could fly in and take him to jail again, smash the place up. But I knew he’d escape, and set up another hideout somewhere else. It seemed kinda pointless.”

Bernard sat down on the couch. “You weren’t worried about Roxanne, or the welfare of the city?”

“But that’s just the thing, I’d been feeling for a long time that Megamind wasn’t as bad as everyone thought, including himself. I’ve seen some real criminal types, really bad guys who’ve done some really bad things. Megamind was always bragging about being an honorable supervillain, how shedding the blood of mindless drones was beneath him and blah blah blah, but it was more than that. And there was other stuff too, like, did you know he went out of his way to make sure Roxanne was never in real danger?”

“But he was always trying to kill you.”

Wayne waved his hand dismissively. “Oh, that. Did you know that the regions of the city under his control had the lowest crime rates?”

“Um, hello, who’s the expert on all things Megamind?” Bernard pretended to look around the room, and pointed at himself.

“Didn’t it make you wonder?”

Bernard leaned back, crossed his legs, and took a deep breath. “Well, let’s see. He claimed his own turf and secured it against other gangs and crime syndicates, thereby establishing his power base and strengthening his bid to become Overlord. He kept the other criminals in his territory in line, and set himself up as a crime lord, reducing the inevitable chaos that warring gangs create, commanding their loyalty, or at least their fear and respect, and made it too costly for others to oppose or attempt to overthrow him.”

Wayne tugged absently at one of the hair spikes. “Oh. Well, yeah. I guess there’s that,” he muttered. “Plus he was secretly good, too! He’s a great Defender. I helped him find his true calling.”

Bernard sighed. “Yes, you were right,” he said reluctantly. Megamind’s transformation had surprised him as much as anybody. He had not trusted the former supervillain, not a bit. He suspected that Megamind was putting on an act to win the hearts and minds of the populace, as part of some new, subtle, diabolical scheme. He was certain Megamind’s real motives would become clear over time.

When Megamind offered him the chance to tour the Lair, he’d refused at first. Clearly, Megamind was hoping to soften Bernard up so he’d drop the lawsuit. If he went into the Lair, would he ever come out again? Then again, Megamind could have kept him dehydrated until the end of time, but he’d let him go.

But if Minion hadn’t been washing that particular set of clothes, maybe Bernard would have been a little blue cube forever. Bernard was still miffed at being forgotten in a pocket like a piece of used tissue.

In the end he accepted the offer, figuring he might as well get some useful information; few supervillains renounced evil, and no reformed villain had ever done such a complete turnaround, from number one threat to Beloved Defender. So Bernard had taken the tour, along with several leading members of the law enforcement community.

And then he’d met Music Man, whose presence had been a puzzle. Was Megamind a fan of the musician? But Megamind had not seemed happy to have Music Man there. In fact, he acted downright irritated, even though Music Man stayed quietly in the back of the tour group, hardly talked, and had a little smile on his face the whole time.

Eventually, Bernard lagged behind to keep him company. A cynic down to his core, Bernard had always been a sucker for guys that were happy. It fascinated him, since clearly there was so little in the world to be happy about. Music Man radiated a good-natured cheer that Benard found irresistable.

He looked so familiar...and that gorgeous face, and that muscular neck hinting at the chiseled body hidden under those scruffy clothes and seedy trench coat. Music Man dressed like a well-heeled hobo, but Bernard bet that he cleaned up pretty good.

After a some observation and carefully phrased questions, he’d determined Music Man was probably gay and wouldn’t take violent offense at the suggestion, so he’d given Music Man his phone number.

It was a daring act on his part. He didn’t usually make the first move. They went out a few times, and Bernard couldn’t remember the last time he’d clicked with someone so well.

The memory of the night that Wayne confessed he was really Metro Man still gave Bernard goosebumps. It was like a dream. He’d had a crush on Metro Man for years. The bizarre series of events that led to their getting together almost made him believe in destiny.

Not only had Bernard gathered enough information for a new book and five articles for Super Science Monthly, he’d acquired a super-powered boyfriend. Somehow the lawsuit for wrongful imprisonment didn’t seem to matter much by that point. It hadn’t taken too much encouragement from Wayne to get Bernard to drop it.

“That was still a pretty big gamble, Wayne. Leaving the city in the hands of him. Especially when he obviously still thought of himself as a villain. I mean, he did almost wreck the place.”

“Yeah, but in the end, he didn’t,” Music Man said with a triumphant smile. “So that proves I was right.”

Bernard decided to let Wayne’s bizarre sense of right and wrong go for the moment, because however fanciful and illogical the thought process was which had led to Wayne’s conclusion, he had been right about Megamind. “But I really hope you think twice before letting this go any further.”

Music Man grinned and swept him up in a hug. “You gonna issue an ultimatum?” He lifted him into the air, twirling slowly.

Bernard chuckled. “I’ll trust you to do the right thing. Not like you need me telling you what to do.”

Wayne floated them down to the floor again. “Great! Hey, can you check the internet and figure out how to get this stuff out of my hair?”

“We don’t even know what it is. I could be surfing the web all night. Just call him.”

Wayne shook his head. “No way am I asking him for help!”

But with dinner hour approaching, and having tried rubbing alcohol, carpet stain remover, and Drano without success, Wayne made the call.

“Ollo, Music Mahn, how’s your evening?”

“That’s ‘hello’! All right, how do I get my hair back to normal?”

“Ah, ah, ah. Not so fast. First, a photo.”

Wayne almost crushed the phone. “No way. Forget it.”

“Have fun finding a comb that works.”

“Wait, wait! Well...what are you going to do with it anyway? Put it on Youtube?”

“Never fear, I’ll keep it as a private momento, to view whenever I need a good laugh.”

“Come on, man, this is my hair! I don’t want some photo floating around of me looking like this!”

“Can you hear it, Wayne? Can you? It’s the sound of the world’s tiniest violin, and it’s playing just for you.”

Wayne automatically tried to run his hand through his hair, as he usually did when he was distraught. “You have to promise, on your heroic honor, that you won’t show this photo to anyone. I can hear you, Minion! I can hear him snickering. You can’t show it to him, either.”

“I give you my word I will not make the photo public.”

Wayne scowled. Megamind’s ability to say what you wanted to hear, but still leave the wording to his advantage, was an old ploy. “You can’t show it to anybody! Not Roxanne, not Minion, no one!”

Bernard grabbed the phone. “For God’s sake, Wayne, he won’t put it on public display. Let’s get this over with.” Holding up the phone, he snapped a picture of  Wayne, with scowling face and crossed arms. He forwarded it. “There. Did you get it, oh great Defender?”

Megamind chuckled. “Beautiful.”

“So what’s the antidote?” Bernard asked impatiently.

“Laundry detergent. Tide’s best. Take a cup, add enough water to make a thick paste, and scrub it in. It’ll take a fair amount of elbow grease, but it’ll work.”

“That’s it?” Bernard frowned. “That’s so simple.”

“I know, ingenious, right? Say, I think I’ve changed my mind about the photo. Maybe we could make copies and sell them in the museum gift shop. Do you think you could ask him to autograph...”

Bernard hung up.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three nights later, Roxanne rifled through her CD collection on the shelf in the...for want of a better word...living room. It was merely an open section of the Lair, with the TV and entertainment center set up against a wall, and marked out by a large fluffy rug.

Ozzy Osbourne floated in from the far end of the Lair, where Megamind and Minion were getting ready to go out on night patrol. One of her brainbots, Pinky, floated over with Roxanne’s headphones. “Thanks, Pinky,” Roxanne said, running her hand over the transparent dome. Electricity followed her fingertips. Pinky bowg-ed and bumped up against her hand before drifting off. Megamind said that thanking them wasn’t necessary, but Roxanne was sure that her brainbots appreciated it.

Megamind and Minion would be gone most of the night. Her work done, she planned to relax for a while, and turn in early. They generally came back around four or five in the morning, and in spite of the very effective noise-dampening insulation that Megamind had put into the bedroom walls, she sometimes woke up as they puttered around the Lair, unwinding after a night of work. She’d become attuned to Megamind’s routine, and for a long time after she’d moved in she would often be so worried about whether or not they were alive and whole that the slightest disturbance would awaken her.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Megamind walking toward her. She smiled, then turned to look at the CDs again. He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist. “Haven’t those been added to your player yet?”

She shook her head, resting her own arm on his, between the spikes lining his gloves. “I like looking at the covers.” Music seemed a little more real when she could hold the album in her hands, rather than only existing as a digitalized stream. “You and Minion ready?”

He lay his cheek against her hair. “He’s changing the oil on the invisible car. I’ve got an entire twenty minutes with nothing to do,” he sighed. “Imagine that. A who-o-o-ole twenty minutes.”

Her smile widened. “Yeah. So?”

“Want to give me a hero’s send-off?”

“Is that what we’re calling it now? I gave you a send-off this morning.”

“That long ago?” He nuzzled her ear, and squeezed her gently, so the spikes wouldn’t dig in too much.

“Oh, I don’t know, there’s not that much time.” But she lifted a hand to stroke his jaw. She bit her lip and considered the possiblities. It had been a long time since they’d played villain-and-damsel. “Will you leave your suit on?” she murmured.

“I think that can be arranged.” She felt him smile against her face, and she turned her head to see the gleam of his eyes. “I’ll take the de-gun off so you won’t get scratched.”

He ran his hand over her bottom, then he was off to their bedroom, leaving behind a faint scent of leather.

Roxanne chose a few more CDs to listen to for later, then began to head over to the bedroom, glancing down the length of the Lair to make sure that Minion was still occupied. She couldn’t see him, but Ozzy Osbourne still played and she could hear him singing along.

Her heart beat faster in anticipation. Would Megamind take her by the door, or seize her and press her down onto the bed?

There was a startled yelp from the room. Megamind came out, his brows drawn together. “Half a second,” he said, holding a finger up and giving her a quick smile, before letting his face fall back into the scowl. Striding across the Lair, he picked up his cell phone lying on a workbench, and jabbed at the display screen until he found the number he was looking for.

“Absolutely pathetic,” he snarled into the phone. “What, was that supposed to be scary? Oooo, I’m shaking.”

Roxanne wondered who the hell he was talking to. She peeked in at the door.

A full-sized poly urethane skeleton lay on the bed, half covered in a crumpled sheet, with a red rose stuck between its teeth.

Roxanne wrinkled her nose and went out again.

Megamind was still haranguing the person on the phone. “I’ve seen better pranks by six year olds. What’s next, a ‘kick me’ sign pinned to my back? You’re lucky I’m the one who found that laughable excuse of a Halloween prop. What if Roxanne had stumbled across it?”

She heard the other person make a questioning noise. She recognized the timbre of the voice: Wayne.

Megamind nodded. “You obviously gave no thought to it at all. Like I said, puh-thet-TICK. She got salt in her coffee too, from your first lame-o prank, Smarty-pants. At least I’ve given some consideration to others that might be in your household. You might want to try it.”

As Wayne responded, he raised a conspiratorial eyebrow at her. “Oh, she knows, all right,” he said, smiling evilly. “And she does not look happy.”

Roxanne snorted and shook her head. Well, she hadn’t been thrilled about it, but she was hardly as angry as Megamind was implying. Leave it to him to wring it for all it was worth.

“But Roxanne’s wrath is the least of your worries, Pied Piper,” Megamind said with a sneer. “It’s my turn now. Let me show you how it’s done. Somewhere, somehow, when you least expect it. BAM!” he shouted suddenly. He clicked off the phone and tossed it back onto the bench.

She crossed her arms. “I thought you apologized to him.”

“I did! He’s just a sore loser. Apparently he didn’t...” his voice trailed off.

She narrowed her eyes. “Didn’t what?”

He plucked at his cape. “Didn’t like the special additive I put in his shampoo.” He stuck out his jaw defiantly.

“And what did that accomplish?”

“Turned his hair into a work of modern art. Sculpture. Want to see the photo?”

Her eyes widened slightly. “No way.”

Grinning, he picked up the phone again and showed her the picture. She giggled and clapped a hand over her mouth to stop it. She tried to make her voice stern. “Okay, that was mean. But it’s over now, right? There’s not going to be buckets of paint balanced over the door or anything?”

He stroked his chin. “Hmm. Simple, but that idea has merit. It is my turn, after all.”

Roxanne groaned. “If you want to waste your time on some stupid prank contest, go right ahead, but you better keep me out of the crossfire.”

“Tell that to Karaoke Kid. He’s the one you have to worry about.” He slipped an arm around her waist. “But enough of that. Where were we?”

“Seriously? You’re still in the mood after all that?”

“Mm-hm.” He pulled her close. “If we hurry, we have time to...”

Minion clumped around the curtain. “All done, Sir,” he said cheerfully. “Ready to roll?”

“What is this, did you enter an oil changing competition?” Megamind snapped. “Trying to get first prize for fastest change?”

Minion blinked. “Er, am I interrupting something?”

“No,” said Roxanne.

“Yes,” said Megamind. He still held her in his arms. “We were about to have an exceedingly private romantic moment.” He leaned his forehead against her temple.

Roxanne patted him. “Oh you poor baby.”

Minion tapped his fingers together. “Well, I guess I could wait a bit. Whaddya need, five, ten minutes?”

Megamind brightened. “Perfect. Fifteen, tops.” He took Roxanne’s hand and began pulling her toward their room.

“Hey, wait a minute,” she cried, drawing back. Her face felt hotter than a volcano. “You’re going to make Minion wait in the car while we get it on? I don’t think so.”

“I’m not making him do anything. He suggested it!”

Roxanne put her hands on her hips. “You should have refused. You need to be more considerate.”

“It’s no problem, Miss Ritchi. Yours and Sir’s happiness is my number one priority.”

“There, see? No problem.” Megamind said.

“Minion, that’s very kind of you, but we can wait.” She gave Megamind a pointed look. “Right, Megs? Besides, you guys are due out on patrol.”

“I make my own hours,” Megamind said, crossing his arms.

Roxanne smiled. “You go do your heroic duty, and I’ll see you when you get back.”

Megamind huffed out a breath. “I don’t see what difference a few minutes would make.”

Roxanne put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. “I’ll give you hero’s welcome later.” She stroked his head until his forehead lost its scowly look, and he sighed, rewarding her with a resigned smile. She began walking back to the living room. “Could you get that skeleton out of the bed before you go?”

“I’ll do it, Ma’am.” Minion took several steps before he paused. He gave them a funny look. “Do I really want to know why there’s a skeleton in your bed?”

Megamind rolled his eyes. “It was Music Mahn’s idea of a prank, Minion. Don’t get any funny notions.”

After Minion brought it out and dumped it in a corner, they went to the car.

“Thanks a lot, Minion.”

“What? What did I do?”

“Making me look like the bad guy.”

“Hey, I did what I could.”

“Won’t be done patrolling for hours and hours,” Megamind grumbled. “I’ll be all sweaty. Have to shower, get a new uniform on...”

Minion sighed. “You shower after work anyway, Sir.”

Megamind swung open the door and got into the passenger side. “Never know what kind of mood she’ll be in if I wake her up. It’s...”

Another skeleton shot up out of the back seat on a spring, cackling and red eyes flashing.

Cursing, Megamind hurled himself out of the car. Minion shrieked and almost tore the door off in his haste to escape. The brainbots freaked out. Three of them dove into the car and attacked the skeleton.

Megamind panted, holding a hand to his pounding heart, watching the car rock back and forth as the brainbots gleefully scattered plastic bones everywhere. One of them triumphantly flew out with most of the rib cage and took off across the Lair, its brethren in hot pursuit.

Megamind looked around, but Roxanne was out of sight, lying on the couch with her headphones on, blissfully unaware of the chaos.  
Megamind muttered, “That bastard. He won’t get away with this.”


	3. Chapter 3

Music Man could have hired someone to do his shopping, but he liked to be out and about. He also liked to take his four-door truck rrather than fly, especially if he had a lot of bags he didn't want to crush, and grocery shopping always meant a lot of bags.

He came out of the store, whistling 'Rollin' on a Jetstream,' put the bags in the back seat, and got behind the wheel.

The middle of the steering wheel popped off and a banana cream pie flew out, smashing him in the face.

Huh. I thought the steering column looked kinda bulky, he thought, swiping whipped cream and pie crust out of his eyes. At least there weren't any photographs to worry about this...

He looked up sharply at the clicking of buttons.

Three people in the parking lot had caught it on their phones.

“Nice look, Music Man!” a man shouted.

Reminding himself that swooping down on them and taking their phones would be stealing, Music Man started up the truck and got out of there. At least one pic had probably gotten onto the internet by now, anyway. The internet, the only thing faster than superspeed.

Time to hit Megamind where it hurt.

\- - - - - - -

The next mealtime at the Lair was a guessing game.

Minion opened a frosting container. “I think I found the sour cream.”

“Finally,” Roxanne said, glopping a spoonful onto her baked potato. She sprinkled a few white particles from the salt shaker into her hand and carefully tasted one of them.”Still salt.” She sprinkled it over the potatoes and green beans.

When she reached for the ketchup, Megamind touched her arm. “Better not, hon. It's chocolate sauce.”

“Damn it, Wayne,” Roxanne growled. “Minion, do we have any more ketchup?”

“Yep, we got some, Miss Ritchi.” He got out a fresh bottle.

“You find where the whipped cream is yet?” Megamind asked, eating another spoonful from the mayonnaise jar.

“Ugh, do you have to do that, Megs?”

“It's vanilla frosting.”

“You should put it in a bowl first.” She put her head in her hands. “I can't believe I said that. Are you going to eat some real food before you have dessert?”

“There's chocolate all over my burger. So, no.” Megamind made a face and put the jar down. “Oh, yuck. He didn't clean the last of the mayo out very well.”

Roxanne pushed her plate aside. “I think I lost my appetite, too. Sorry, Minion. It really does look good, but do you mind if I eat it later?”

“I'll save it, Ma'am.”

“We're going out to eat,” Megamind said, pushing his chair back. “Anywhere you like.” He reached out a hand to help her to her feet.

“As long as it's not burgers. What is it with the food switching?”

“I know, it's so juvenile.” Megamind rolled his eyes. “Hold on,” he said as they reached the invisible car. “Minion, the scanner, if you please.”

After x-raying the car, he ferreted out two whoopie cushions and a spring-loaded rubber snake in the glove compartment.

\- - - - - -

The next day Bernard got back from a meeting to discover eighteen distraught texts from Wayne. With a sigh, he called him back. “How come I don't get any sext messages anymore?”

“Megamind did something to my computer!” Wayne said. “You gotta fix it.”

“What's wrong with it?”

“I'm trying to send an email, but every time I type in the word 'the,' it changes to...to something else.”

“To what?”

“A... a bad word. Oh gosh, I can't even...”

“Sounds like he messed with the autocorrect. Can't you tell him to quit sneaking into your place?”

“But then I won't be able to sneak into _his_ place. Then what am I gonna do?”

“Oh, I don't know, quit the stupid contest?”

“Berna-a-a-ard!”

“Fine,” Bernard groaned. “Okay, let's fix the autocorrect. First, go into your settings.”

“Wait. Settings? Is that the little gear thingy... whoops, I think I turned it off.”

Bernard rubbed his eyes under his glasses. This could take a while.

\- - - - - - -

Megamind and Minion came home to find the brainbots gleefully strewing rolls of toilet paper around the Lair.

Roxanne came out of the kitchen. “Probably easiest if you let them wear themselves out,” she said, nodding at the brainbots zipping around, streamers flying from their jaws and wrapping up their tentacles. “And there's about a million ball bearings on the kitchen floor, so watch your step.”

“What? Where did...”

“They were in the cupboard. I just about got a heart attack when they came pouring out.”

“Oh, my poor darling,” Megamind said, putting his arm around her. “I will deliver swift retribution on that scoundrel.”

“I'll settle for you sweeping out the kitchen.” She smiled brightly. “Any idea when the insanity will end?”

“When I have crushed the foe beneath the awesome weight of my pranks, and he begs for mercy.”

“I'm almost there myself,” Roxanne said, frowning at the excited brainbots.

Megamind smiled wickedly. “Oh, but you will beg for mercy, my precious...”

“NOT in the mood, Megs,” Roxanne snapped, pushing his hand off. “Really not in the mood.”

Megamind watched her stride off to the living room.

Minion coughed. “Sir, do you think... that maybe...”

Megamind shot him a glare. “I do not want to even hear the word 'quit,' Minion. We are going to win this little prank war. Music Man started it, but I will finish it.”

\- - - - - -

Music Man didn't leave his hideout for a week. He didn't dare. But eventually Bernard insisted he meet him for lunch at their favorite diner.

During the course of the meal, it dawned on Bernard that Wayne's attention was elsewhere. There was a certain glassy look in his eyes.

“You're watching your hideout with your telescopic sight, aren't you,” Bernard said.

Wayne blinked. “What? No, babe, I'm right here.” He reached out and gently squeezed Bernard's hands. “Listening to every word.”

After a few minutes, Bernard could tell Wayne was drifting off again.

“You know what, I better get back to the museum,” Bernard said, throwing down his napkin.

Wayne grimaced. “I'm really sorry I'm so distracted. But I think there's a way to get my attention. An extra long break, back at my place?” He smiled his most winning smile and raised a suggestive eyebrow.

Bernard snorted and shook his head. “You're just trying to get back home quicker. He doesn't dare try to sneak in while you're there.”

Wayne reached under the table and stroked Bernard's thigh. “Please? I'll make it worth your while.”

Bernard felt his irritation drain away and he allowed Wayne to persuade him to go back to his hideout.

They walked in to find a cardboard box sitting on the coffee table with 'Music Man' written on it in black marker.

“I can't believe this,” Wayne cried. “He must think I'm the stupidest person in the world!”

“What's in it?”

“It's another cream pie on a spring. Geez.” He swooped over to it. “This thing's going in the lake.”

“Wait,” Bernard said, holding up his hand. “He must have known you'd see through it, I think you better...”

Wayne picked it up.

Smoke and whipped cream burst out of the pie box. The fire alarm went off, setting off the sprinklers in the ceiling. Wayne and Bernard stared at each other in the downpour.

Wayne cleared his throat. “I guess there was a pressure switch. Underneath the box. Triggered it when I picked it up. Heh.”

Bernard glared. “You can take me home now.”

\- - - - - - -

Megamind examined all the Lair's food and drink regularly, tested every chair before anyone sat in it, and sent brainbots ahead before going through any door. A week went by, but he maintained vigilance.

It was all for naught.

Megamind and Minion came home one afternoon to find the Lair carpeted with glitter.

They looked around, mouths hanging open. It was strangely quiet, except for Roxanne back by the wall of monitors, talking in short, loud bursts into her phone.

Cautiously, Megamind walked through the Lair. A crowd of brainbots huddled behind the giant battlesuit. They were even more sparkly than usual, thanks to the generous coating of glitter. Several other brainbots were attempting to sweep some of the stuff up.

Megamind picked up a shred of purple rubber off the floor. “Balloons. Filled them with glitter, and gave them to the brainbots.”

“Yikes. That's a good one,” Minion said in hushed tones.

Megamind nodded glumly, but he didn't feel in any position to appreciate the ee-vilness of the prank. He glanced at Roxanne, who still had her back to them, with her phone to her ear.

“No, I don't think so,” she snapped. “I've got my own cleaning crew, and I really don't feel like seeing you right now.”

Megamind snatched a whisk broom from one of the brainbots. “Quick, get a garbage bag,” he whispered at Minion. He could see Roxanne's profile, and it was a very angy profile.

Roxanne said, “Yeah, well, I live here, too, remember? And I don't appreciate my home getting trashed, Wayne. Stay out of my house unless I invite you, and you better not give any more fun little toys to the brainbots. Got it?” She clicked off the phone. “Hi, Megs,” she said, her voice bright and hard.

Hastily he swept a pile of glitter into a wastebasket. “Yes, dear. I mean, um, hi!”

She snapped, “Hypatia, drop it!”

The brainbot dropped the unpopped balloon it had found and darted away guiltily. Megamind grabbed the offensive glitter bomb and dropped it into Minion's bag. “Have it cleaned up in no time, my love,” he said.

Roxanne crossed her arms. “No more breaking into each other's homes. All right?”

“Fair enough.”

“I was trying to be cool about this,” she said, waving a hand around. “I knew there'd be a certain amount of chaos when I moved in, I knew that, I accepted it. But I didn't sign up to everybody's mommy, or the wet blanket girlfriend who has to make you guys behave. But this is going too far, so I guess I have to be the grown-up who sets boundaries. I suppose you expect me to storm out of here and go stay at my mother's, like every bad stereotype in existence?”

“Er...” Some primal male instinct warned him there was no right answer.

“Well, I'm not getting chased out of my own house! I'm gonna go play warcraft, and when I come out, the place will be clean.” She made a stop in the kitchen first, and got a bottle of wine and a glass, then went into the bedroom.

\- - - - - -

Some hours later Megamind padded into the bedroom.

Roxanne put down the game controller and stretched. “All done?”

“All done in, more like.” He gestured at her glass. “Mind if I...”

She nodded. “Yeah, have the rest. I think I'm done. My reflexes are shot.” She wiggled her thumbs. “Why are you in your underwear? Trying to soften me up?”

“Is it working?” He grinned, waggled his eyebrows, and drank the rest of the wine in the glass, then poured another. “That damn glitter really sticks. I looked like a walking mirror ball. Minion thought I should try to keep the glitter out of our room, so I stripped by the washing machine.” With a groan he eased himself onto the bed. He lifted his hands, turning them around with a scowl. “But look at this! More glitter. Even under my nails. How did it get under my gloves? It's hopeless.”

Roxanne giggled. “There's not too much.” She crawled over the bed to lay her head on his chest and he put his arm around her, drawing her close.

He drained the glass and put it on the nightstand. “Sorry it got a little crazy around here.” He pressed his cheek to her head.

She said, “I think I could better handle a bunch of supervillains trying to break in. Because you'd see to it that they'd never try it again. But this...”

His chest rose and fell as he sighed. “I know, I know. I can't keep Music Mahn out, no matter what defenses I put in place.”

“You could have just told him to keep out.”

“That's as good as admitting fear. Never!”

She chuckled.

After a moment he said, “You realize, of course, that your restriction gives me the advantage.”

She lifted her head to look at him. “I suppose it does. Do I dare ask what you have in mind?”

“So many things have computers in them these days. Refrigerators, alarm clocks, coffee makers. So vulnerable. So hackable from remote locations.” He smiled ee-villy.

She squeezed him tight. “Oh, don't get started on all that tonight! I want you here. You don't get much time off.”

“I am yours for the rest of the evening.” He kissed her cheek. “My next prank is devilishly simple.”

“What did you do?”

He shrugged carelessly. “Minion went over there in invisibility mode with a couple of vats of tapioca pudding. Music Dupe isn't too good about locking his truck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hypatia was a female mathematician and astronomer in 4th century Alexandria, Egypt. I used to assign numbers to the brainbots, but it's more fun to think up names.


End file.
